Nicolas Ridley

Cast:

ANYA – the wife – attractive, smart and businesslike

CINDY – the ‘mistress’ – bubbly, girly but slightly steely

EDMUND – the husband – humble, uncertain, apologetic, inadequate

(All within approximately the same age range between 40 and 60?)

 

Set & properties:

Two chairs stage left and stage right     

iPad or business papers

 

Script conventions:

/ indicates the point where one speech is interrupted by the next speech      

— indicates an interrupted speech

... indicates a discontinued speech

 

THE MISTRESS BEDROOM

 

ANYA is sitting with her iPad or business papers. EDMUND enters and watches her. ANYA does not look up.

 

EDMUND:  (tentative) I was just wondering ...

 

ANYA:        (indifferent) Yes?

 

EDMUND:  I was / just ...

 

ANYA:        / What were you ‘just wondering’, Edmund?

 

EDMUND:  I was just wondering if this is really such a good idea.

 

ANYA:        (looking up) You remember, of course, that it was your idea?

 

EDMUND:  Well, yes. In a way,

 

ANYA:        And you remember what I said at the time?

 

EDMUND:  You said —

 

ANYA:        I said I thought it was silly. Ridiculous. Imbecilic. Half-baked. And that / it would ...

 

EDMUND:  / It would end in disaster.

 

ANYA:        With me and whatever she’s called —

 

EDMUND:  Cindy.

 

ANYA:        With me and Cindy rolling around on the carpet, pulling each other’s hair and scratching each other’s eyes out.

 

EDMUND:  I was just wondering, that’s all.

 

Mini-beat.

 

ANYA:        Sometimes I despair of you, Edmund.

 

EDMUND:  Yes. Sometimes I despair of myself.

 

ANYA:        I should really throw you out on your ear, shouldn’t I? But you are very easy to live with and surprisingly useful round the house. Very well. Let’s look at the facts.

 

EDMUND:  If we must.

 

ANYA:        You’re a middle-aged man – a not very appealing middle-aged man ... (overriding the objection) No, Edmund, no. We’ve always said we’d be honest with each other, haven’t we?

 

EDMUND:  (downcast) Yes, Anya.

 

ANYA:        Very well. You’re an unappealing, middle-aged man and an unsuccessful novelist / who ...

 

EDMUND:  / Playwright.

 

ANYA:        What?

 

EDMUND:  I write plays, Anya.

 

ANYA:        I thought you wrote novels.

 

EDMUND:  I used to write novels. Now I write plays.

 

ANYA:        Very well. You’re an unappealing, unsuccessful playwright / married to ...

 

EDMUND:  / Isn’t that a little harsh?

 

ANYA:        (ignoring) Married to a high-achieving and – though I say it myself – exceptionally attractive career woman who has kept you in a manner to which you have no right to become accustomed. An attractive, successful, generous woman who has recently discovered / that her husband ...

 

EDMUND:  / Been told, Anya. Who has recently been told / by ...      

 

ANYA:        / Who has recently been told ...

 

EDMUND:  (interposing) By her husband ...

 

ANYA:        Who has recently been told by her unappealing, unsuccessful, ungrateful husband that he is having an affair with a floozy of some kind. Said husband – that’s you – then has the hare-brained, bare-faced effrontery to propose that the wronged wife – that’s me – and his mistress – that’s your floozy – should get together for a pow-wow to ‘sort something out’. That’s about the gist of it, isn’t it?

 

EDMUND:  Well, yes. In a way.

 

ANYA:        And now – at the very last minute – you’re ‘just wondering’ if it’s really such a good idea.

 

EDMUND:  I know. Why don’t I give Cindy a call / and tell her that ...

 

ANYA:        / No, Edmund. It’s too late for second thoughts. Besides, I’ve changed my mind. It’s not every day a husband invites his wife to meet his floozy. Anyway, it might be amusing.

 

EDMUND:  Cindy’s really not a floozy.

 

ANYA:        Mistress, then.

 

EDMUND:  She’s really not my mistress, either. It was only once ...

 

ANYA:        Once?         

 

EDMUND:  I think so. In fact ...

 

ANYA:        In fact?

 

EDMUND:  I’m not completely sure it was even once. We were both a bit squiffy. Or rather, I  was.

 

ANYA:        This was while I was away in New York?

 

EDMUND:  Your last business trip. Yes.

 

ANYA:        Working my socks off.

 

EDMUND:  (subdued) Yes.

 

ANYA:        (severe) Have you done this sort of thing before, Edmund?

 

EDMUND:  What?

 

ANYA:        ‘Taken your woolly poodle for a walk round the block.’

 

EDMUND:  What? (shocked realisation) No. Certainly not! It’s not the sort of thing I’d do. I’m not – well – hugely interested in sex.

 

ANYA:        I’d noticed.

 

EDMUND:  You said you didn’t mind.

 

ANYA:        Did I? Anyway. To recapitulate. You’re not even sure it was once.

 

EDMUND:  That’s right.

 

ANYA:        And yet you felt it warranted a full confession?

 

EDMUND:  Would you have preferred it if I’d said nothing?

 

ANYA:        I’m really not sure what you have said, Edmund. Never mind. You couldn’t have kept it a secret. I would have found out in the end.

 

EDMUND:  That’s what Cindy said. She said I ought to confess before you found out.

 

ANYA:        She did, did she? What else did Cindy say?

 

EDMUND: That you and she should meet.   

 

ANYA:        This is all Cindy’s idea, then?

 

EDMUND:  In a way. Yes.

 

ANYA:        (musing) Tell me more about Cindy.

 

EDMUND:  I don’t know very much about her.

 

ANYA:        Anything.

 

EDMUND:  She’s homeless.

 

ANYA:        Homeless?

 

EDMUND:  Her flatmate threw her out. That’s why she was standing in the street with her suitcases.

 

ANYA:        That’s where you met her?

 

EDMUND:  Yes.

 

ANYA:        In the street?

 

EDMUND:  Yes.

 

ANYA:        With her suitcases?

 

EDMUND:  She seemed so upset that I took her for a drink. And then —

 

ANYA:        Don’t tell me any more.

 

EDMUND:  I don’t think I can.

 

ANYA:        Very well. A simple question. Why does Cindy want to meet me?

 

EDMUND:  She has something to suggest. A proposal.

 

ANYA:        Which is?

 

EDMUND:  She wants to us to live together.

 

ANYA:        (taken aback) Oh. Isn’t that a little sudden?

 

EDMUND:  Well ...

 

ANYA:        I didn’t realise you intended to leave me.

 

EDMUND:  I don’t.

 

ANYA:        I’m confused. Oh, I see. (outraged) You want me to leave?

 

EDMUND:  No.

 

ANYA:        Then I’m still confused. Where are you and Cindy proposing to live?

 

EDMUND:  Here.

 

ANYA:        Here?

 

EDMUND:  With you. Together. The three of us.

 

ANYA:        A ménage à trois?

 

EDMUND:  Well, yes. I suppose. In a way.

 

ANYA:        Maybe it would help if you told me the whole story.

 

EDMUND: Right. (takes a deep breath) I saw Cindy standing in the street with her suitcases and she seemed very upset and I bought her a drink and she told me how her flatmate had thrown her out and I said I was sorry and she said I was being very sweet and sympathetic and she bought me a drink and she asked me if I was married and I said I was and she bought me another drink and asked me where we lived and I told her and she bought me another drink and said our flat sounded very nice and I said it was and she asked me how many bedrooms we had and I said two and she said maybe she could move in ...

 

ANYA:        Didn’t you tell her / that we ...

 

EDMUND: Yes, I told her that you slept in the master bedroom and that I slept in the guest bedroom / and ...

 

ANYA:        Did you tell her why?

 

EDMUND:  I told her I was a writer and needed to be free from any kind of distraction.

 

ANYA:        You didn’t tell her you snored?

 

EDMUND:  (sheepish) No.

 

ANYA:        And she hasn’t discovered that for herself?

 

EDMUND:  Not yet.

 

ANYA:        You think she will?

 

EDMUND:  Well, yes. You see Cindy’s proposal is that she and I should sleep in the master bedroom and you should move into the guest bedroom. In a way it makes sense, doesn’t it? After all, the master bedroom is so much bigger than the guest bedroom and  – well – Cindy says it’s the most sensible solution.

 

ANYA:        (grim) Does she indeed? I can’t wait to meet Cindy. (hears the doorbell) Ah. Right on cue. There’s the doorbell.

 

EDMUND:  You will be civilised, won’t you?

 

ANYA:        You mean don’t pull her hair or scratch her eyes out?

 

EDMUND:  Yes.

 

ANYA:        I can’t promise anything. (hears the doorbell) There’s the doorbell again. You’d better let her in.

 

EDMUND exits.

 

EDMUND:  (off) Come in, Cindy. Leave your suitcases in the hall.

 

CINDY enters followed by EDMUND.

 

CINDY:       (bubbly) Hello. Here I am.

 

Pause while ANYA and CINDY take a moment to look at each other. They don’t dislike what they see.

 

EDMUND:  This is my wife, Anya. / And this is ...

 

CINDY:       / I’m so pleased to meet you, Anya. In the flesh, that is. I’m a terrific fan. You see, since Edward / and I ...

 

EDMUND:  / (correcting) Edmund.

 

CINDY:       What? Oh, yes. Anyway, Anya, I’ve been Googling you and so on and the things I’ve discovered! You’re a real role model for women everywhere, aren’t you?

 

ANYA:        (warily flattered) Well, I wouldn’t / say that ...

 

CINDY:       / Oh, but you are. An entrepreneur. An innovator. A thought leader. Director of this. Chair of that. You’ve splintered the glass ceiling. Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. I’m full of admiration.

 

Beat.

 

ANYA:        Fetch us some drinks, will you, Edmund?

 

EDMUND:  Yes, of course. What would you like, Cindy?

 

CINDY:       A cinzano bianco.

 

ANYA:        And I’ll / have ...

 

EDMUND:  / A dry martini.

 

EDMUND exits.

 

CINDY:       You’re not at all how I pictured you.

 

ANYA:        How did you picture me?

 

CINDY:       Dry. Dull. Dumpy. Whereas ...

 

ANYA:        Whereas?

 

CINDY:       Well, you’re not, are you?

 

Beat.

 

ANYA:        I suppose we ought to discuss your proposal ...

 

CINDY:       Yes. I suppose we should.

 

ANYA:        (businesslike) I take it you’re suggesting a polyamorous arrangement with Edmund hopping between your bed and mine.

 

CINDY:       No. Polyamory is entirely wrong.

 

ANYA:        (surprised) Oh.

 

CINDY:       Multiamory is okay. Polyphilia is fine. But you can’t mix Greek and Latin.

 

EDMUND re-enters with drinks.

 

EDMUND:  How are you two getting on?

 

ANYA:        Fine.

 

CINDY:       Yes, fine.

 

ANYA:        (not unkindly) Why don’t you go away and write another chapter of your novel, Edmund?

 

EDMUND exits.

 

ANYA:        (businesslike) Very well. Let’s get down to nuts and bolts.

 

CINDY:       The ins and outs, you mean?

 

ANYA:        If you like. How is this going to work? Who’s going to sleep where with whom?

 

CINDY:       (sweetly) I’m sure things will sort themselves out.

 

ANYA:        No, Cindy. Men like rules. Men need rules. Without rules, men are no good to anyone.

 

CINDY:       The truth is, Anya, I’m not very interested in what men need. Or what they like. In fact, I’m not terribly interested in men. (mini-beat) I hope I haven’t shocked you.

 

ANYA:        Shocked me? No. Although you have surprised me. Very pleasantly, as it happens. Very pleasantly. (beat) Edmund!

 

EDMUND re-enters.

 

EDMUND:  Is everything all right?

 

ANYA and CINDY are temporarily unaware of EDMUND’s presence.

 

EDMUND:  (again) Anya? Is everything all right?

 

ANYA:        What? Oh, yes. Fine. Isn’t it, Cindy?

 

CINDY:       Yes, Anya. Fine.

 

EDMUND:  Oh, good.

 

ANYA:        We’ve sorted everything out satisfactorily, haven’t we, Cindy?

 

CINDY:       Yes, Anya. I believe we have. Very satisfactorily.

 

Beat.

 

ANYA:        (recovering herself) Shall I show you our bedroom?

 

EDMUND:  (slightly puzzled) Our bedroom?

 

ANYA:        Yes, Edmund. The master bedroom.

 

EDMUND:  Oh.

 

CINDY:       (suggesting) The mistress bedroom maybe?

 

ANYA:        Yes, Cindy. That’s right. The mistress bedroom. (announcing) Cindy and I will be sharing the mistress bedroom and you, Edmund ... you can stay in the guest room and get on with your  novel

 

ANYA and CINDY exit.

 

EDMUND:  (calling) My play, Anya. My play.

 

THE END

 

To request a copy of the script or to enquire about performance rights,
please email: nwm.ridley@gmail.com